Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
