If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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