new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
