I just saw a hot homeless man
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
