jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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