Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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