My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
