I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
