Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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