I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
