I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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