If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
