i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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