the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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