If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
