Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
