You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
