At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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