All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
