youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
