Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
