I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize