I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
