We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
