Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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