Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
