There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
