Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
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