your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Randomize
