I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
