i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
