I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
After last night, I could never be a politician.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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