I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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