Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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