I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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