forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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