Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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