I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
