At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
