The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it hurts more in the daytime
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
