my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
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