nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have feelings that need drinking.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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