Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
