ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
