Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
