I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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