does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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