I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
