i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Let's get the cat blown out
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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