She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
