He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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