It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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