so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
