Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
