oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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