meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
