new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
